X-Men Smash Or Pass: Ranking 'X-Men '97's Main Mutants
Let’s be honest with ourselves here: The X-Men are hot, right? Don’t try to deny it. Every member of the team has their fans. Whether it be in the comics, in shows like X-Men ‘97 (2024), or on the big screen, there’s at least one member of the team that we definitely had a crush on in high school. And much like Wolverine staring longingly at a picture of his unrequited love, let’s have some fun and figure out which mutants are truly worth simping over.
X-Men is a huge franchise, though, and if we wanted to go over every single mutant that’s ever been a part of the team, we’d be here for an eternity (that, and this would just become a thousand-plus-word essay extoling the virtues of Emma Frost). So for the sake of simplicity, we’re going to limit ourselves to the main cast of X-Men ‘97. After all, many of the mutants featured on this iteration of the team are some of its most popular members.
We will be talking about all iterations of the characters, though. So comics, shows, movies, and video games are all valid in assessing which mutants we’d love to continue propagating Homo Superior with. So let’s start smashing some mutants like we’re the Hulk!
Cyclops - SMASH
There was a time when Scott Summers was seen as a stick-in-the-mud. He followed the rules, always listened to Professor X, and looked like the kind of boy scout that would narc on you if you tried to bend the rules even a bit. But something happened to my boy Scott in recent years that turned him into a genuine bad boy.
Now, Cyclops has kind of become a bit of an extremist. You can definitely think of him as a loose cannon, but darn does that rebel energy work for him! Back when he was wearing that dorky blue and yellow costume, he looked like a tool, but stick him in his black suit, and he has the edgelord vibe that I can totally get behind.
Yeah, he did kill a whole lot of people and his harsher methods are definitely a bit morally grey, but who of us can honestly say that we don’t love an antihero? I mean, people are practically throwing themselves at Magneto’s feet cause he’s pretty dang fine in X-Men ‘97. I don’t think you’d want to get into a relationship with Scott—just ask Jean or Emma about that—but a one-night stand? Heck yeah!
Jean Grey - PASS
Look, I get it. Jean Grey was, for a time, the most powerful mutant in existence. “The Dark Phoenix Saga” is the best X-Men story, and her hair when she gets possessed by the Phoenix Force is mighty cool. But other than that, she just gives off plain Jane vibes.
That’s not a bad thing, mind you. But look at the competition. She’s on the same team as Rogue and Storm, two of the greatest X-Women to exist. Jean is definitely sweet and caring, which are solid points for a partner, but you can say that about most of the women in the X-Men. Plus, there’s some danger in the Phoenix Force just coming out and vaporizing you, which, you know, is kind of a negative. Lord knows I wouldn’t want to get into an argument with a woman that contains a primordial being that has the potential to end all reality.
Also, I may not know much about fashion, but her outfit? What is up with that head wrap thing that’s attached to her shoulders? Was that an intentional design choice? How do you even get it on... or off? Both she and Gambit need to sort that out.
Storm - SMASH
My queen! I know that this isn’t really in any ranked order, but if it were, Ororo would be first, second, and third on the list.
Do I really need to explain why? I think there hasn’t been a single bad depiction of her in any media. X-Men: The Animated Series (1992)? Great. Getting Halley Berry to play her in the original trilogy of films? Perfect casting. Even Alexandra Shipp, who wasn’t given much to work with in X-Men: Apocalypse (2016), rocked that white mohawk, which is saying something. Have you ever looked at someone in a mohawk and thought they were cool? No, but when Storm walks into a room, she owns that look and makes it work.
Appearances aside, she’s also just a great person. When she loses her power, she still is compassionate toward her teammates and supports them however she can. She’s a great leader to the point where even Magneto respects the heck out of her. If you say no to Storm, then you’re literally saying no to a goddess, and I don’t think anyone wants to be a heretic here.
Beast - PASS
Oh, don’t get me started on Dr. McCoy! The only way I’ll be smashing him is if it’s with Negan’s baseball bat from The Walking Dead (2010).
“But wait!” I hear some blue-furred sympathizing weirdo yelling from a distance, “Beast is a smart, polite, and nice guy! He just seems really pleasant to be around. Kelsey Grammer played him and was the only good thing about X-Men: The Last Stand (2006)!” And yeah, I’ll give you that. He was pretty good in that movie. But comic readers know that Beast is a monster.
The man voluntarily did a genocide, and that’s a hard line for me. There’s “I can fix him,” and then there’s Beast. You want to get into an argument with a narcissistic egomaniac? Cause that’s what you’ll get when you spend a night with Beast. Also, he’s a furry. If you’re not into that, then sorry, but that’s all you’re going to be thinking about. No shame though if you are, just don’t go with Beast. Go with Squirrel Girl! She’s not a mutant, but she’s got a fluffy tail! And she’s canonically not committed genocide! Win-win!
Rogue - SMASH
To be clear, we’re talking about Rogue the hero, not the Rogue from the Brotherhood of Mutants, since Rogue was originally designed to be a villain before switching to the side of good. With that being said…
You know that wolf from Red Hot Riding Hood (1943)? That’s most people’s reaction to Rogue. She’s got that Southern Belle accent and demeanor that drives people wild, and through some miracle, she makes the yellow X-Men suit work! Just slap on a jacket, and she gives off those tomboy, girl-next-door vibes that everybody loves. Also that streak of white in her hair? Classic. And the sheer volume of her hair! Can you imagine how much effort goes into making that work?
She’s also such a caring and nurturing person that you can’t help but love her. But seriously, don’t love Rogue or you’ll die. Like she will just drain you of your life force and you’ll be dead. Spending a night with Rogue will probably end up like those schmucks who wanted snu snu in Futurama (1999), but you just know that when you get to Heaven, and you tell people how you died, you’ll get nothing but respect.
Wolverine - PASS
I know, I know. Hugh Jackman is hot. Like… all those obligatory shirtless scenes in X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009) and The Wolverine (2013)? Thank you, Fox.
But that’s not really Wolverine. The real Logan is an angry Canadian with centuries of trauma, and no one wants to deal with all that when you’re just looking to have some fun. And look, people can have problems and still be hot. I mean, have you seen Willem Dafoe in Spider-Man (2002)? He’s a true “hear me out,” but that’s a discussion for another time.
That said, Logan screams “I can fix him,” and at that point, do you really wanna be with him or the idea of him? Plus, he has a slow-aging factor. Big turn off. Have you ever seen Highlander (1986)? You’re gonna get older while he stays the same age. And again, I get it, having someone who looks like Hugh Jackman that never ages is a big plus. But he’s gonna feel bad the whole time about it, and it just won’t be fun for anyone at that point.
Gambit - SMASH
Yes, yes, yes! 1000000% yes! This man doesn’t even have to do anything when we’re together other than just talk with that thick Cajun accent. Everyone loves a good accent, and Gambit’s just makes you melt.
I know Channing Tatum played him in Deadpool & Wolverine (2024), and there was a time when Channing Tatum was literally the sexiest man alive. Still, you know you’re hot when not even Channing Tatum could replicate Gambit’s sexual magnetism. Yeah, he has the weird face mask thing that Jean Grey has, which docks him some points in the cool department, but my God, seeing him in that cut-off top in X-Men ‘97 was genuine FUEL for a legion of fans. And those eyes! Pure black with red pupils. You know you want him to stare into your eyes and call you chere; don’t lie to yourself.
He’s got that bad-boy energy, but without any of the baggage. Show a picture of this man to anyone, and they’ll go on for days about how hot he is.
