Guillermo Del Toro is a master of gothic horror and a lover of monsters. And I mean that last bit in every sense of the word: the highly distinctive filmmaker has talked often and lovingly of his affection for villainised creatures, whether they’ve crawled out of a black lagoon or out of the deep, dark woods. His filmography, from Hollywood superheroes to period horror, consistently makes us empathise with traditional figures of dread. And sometimes, he even asks us to find them desirable.
Shape of Water is Del Toro’s most notable creature-loving feature, and the first major Oscar-winner (I think) to feature inter-species, underwater copulation. But with his latest masterpiece, Frankenstein, starring a tall, dark, and brooding Jacob Elordi as the ‘Creature’, who woos Mia Goth’s Elizabeth, Del Toro has truly proven himself as the patron saint of monster lovers. (Dare I say, monster smashers..?)
It’s about time we looked back at the Del Toro Hot Monster canon (fuelled almost singlehandedly by the lithe creature actor Doug Jones), and shallowly but very seriously rank them by how romanceable they are — and how much or little reputational damage you’d do by stepping out in public with them. Just remember, like Victor, we’re doing this purely for science.
Honourable Mention: Sir Thomas Sharpe — Crimson Peak (2015)
First, a shout-out to the incestuous wife trap that is Tom Hiddleston, aka Sir Thomas Sharpe, in Del Toro’s lavish Victorian ghost story.
He’s tall, he’s handsome, he’s trouble, and he gets his butt out on screen. He also winds up (spoilers) as a ghost, which sort of qualifies him as a ‘monster’ — motives aside — but not quite enough for a proper spot on this list.
Dishonourable Mention: The Strigoi — The Strain (2014-2017)
No. Just no.
5. The Kaiju Hive Mind — Pacific Rim Uprising (2018)
As open-minded as I am, I’m not sure I would have included this one had it not been for Charlie Day. And I tend to base many of my editorial and life decisions around the voice of Luigi and the man who co-created Fight Milk. Like a weird Japanese dating sim, Day’s eccentric scientist in Uprising decided that yes, anything in Del Toro’s ‘bots battling monsters franchise could be romanceable, including a barely biological interconnected consciousness.
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, it’s kind of like the movie Her, but instead of an Alexa girlfriend voiced by Scarlet Johansson, it’s a brain in a jar. As a weirdo who cackled her way through The Substance and the slurpy feeding scenes of Nosferatu, I absolutely love that this film went there with this bonkers subplot, especially for a big, shiny action movie that kids might see. It’s a soft ‘maybe’ for the come-hither voice and the freakiness, but a hard no for the mind control. What can I say, I’m one of Destiny’s Child’s Independent Women.
4. Pale Man — Pan’s Labyrinth (2006)
Pale Man (Eye Guy, as I like to call him) is one of Del Toro’s creepiest and most iconic, original creations. He has eyes on the palms of his hands, a head full of teeth, and the consumption of children on his mind. Let me convince you why he’s boyfriend material.
One: Seen and not heard; good listener. Two: Table manners. Underrated in this day and age. Three: If you want a childless life, so does he. Think of all the money you’ll both save! Four: Snatched. Just look at that waist. Five: He only has eyes for you. As a reminder, those eyes are on his palms, and he only gets them out for special occasions.
Could you take him home to meet the folks? I don’t know if you could take him anywhere, really, mostly because if I’m interpreting the film correctly, I’m not entirely sure he actually exists. A small but not unworkable drawback.
3. Amphibian Man — The Shape of Water (2017)
The Shape of Water, in which Sally Hawkins gets freaky with Del Toro’s version of the Creature From The Black Lagoon, and Del Toro got his unexpected Best Picture Oscar. Love wins!
Amphibian Man is your classic mer-person fantasy, but for those who aren’t cowards. If you think Ariel is the only acceptable mermaid crush, you’re not ready for this slimy, sexy, forbidden romance, or Michael Shannon as a spitting, fascist Gaston. You’re not going to get much conversation out of a literal fish guy, unless you know sign language, and he’s useless on land. But if you’re willing to put up with permanently pruned fingers and attracting angry mobs, you’ll net yourself a mate for life.
2. The Creature — Frankenstein (2025)
Let’s be frank(enstein) here, Del Toro just painted Aussie heartthrob Jacob Elordi white, put a wig on him, and called it a day.
I’m being facetious, here — the makeup, hair and costuming in Frankenstein is outstanding, but Elordi’s deathly Byronic beauty is a far cry from Boris Karloff’s Exorcist vomit skin and square bolted head. This is a reanimated corpse with a porcelain complexion, eight feet tall (no, I won’t fact-check that), and the passion to hunt his creator to the ends of the earth to poetically tongue whip him. You have to love a man with ambition who wears his heart on his sleeve — even if that heart is from someone else.
Once you give him a thesaurus, he’d be great dinner conversation, though I’m not against cries of ‘VICTOR!’ being our personal love language. The scarring and what I suspect would be a bit of a foul smell from various rotting wounds may raise some eyebrows, but nothing some foundation, aftershave, and accusing people of ableism won’t fix.
1. Hellboy — Hellboy (2004) & Hellboy II (2008)
Ron Perlman. David Harbour. The other guy from The Crooked Man. When we talk about Hellboy, we’re talking about the Daddiest antihero, out-Daddied only by Josh Brolin as Thanos. And Josh Brolin as Cable. Josh Brolin as anything.
Sticking to the Del Toro-Perlman incarnation, as per this list, which made the comic book character mainstream, this is the easiest sell on the monster lover scale. Sure, he’s like a demonic, bipedal Clifford the Big Red Dog, and it’d be hard to introduce him to your god-fearing granny without inducing cardiac arrest. But he’s also half-human with cheesegrater abs and an IDGAF attitude that he can actually pull off on account of being satanic spawn. We all love a bad boy, and we love a bad boy who’s really a good boy even more.
The only catch for me is that cigar breath. But I think if we made things official, a switch to vapes wouldn’t be out of the question. Cherry, please!
