‘Tis the season for glistening lights, family gatherings, roasted hams… and absolute chaos. That’s right, my friends, the holidays are upon us, and the world once again spirals into the dredges of what humanity can become. Oddly enough, that’s always reflected perfectly in holiday movies, which actually have some of the worst characters in cinema history.
Some movies are open and honest about their bad characters. Movies like The Grinch (2018) and Bad Santa (2003) at least let you know with their titles what you’re about to experience. But the real nefarious holiday films are the ones that are seemingly innocent and “family friendly.”
But just how family-friendly are these Christmas classics? From psychological abuse to robbery, assault, and more, the characters in these holiday movies are better suited for prisons than tinsel season. But what are some of the worst offenders of mistletoe madness? Read on to find out and discover how to watch them all on streamers like Disney+, Netflix, and more.
Home Alone (1990)
It’s one of the most iconic holiday movies ever, but Home Alone is also filled with some of the worst humans imaginable. Lots of reviews and retrospectives like to focus on the level of violence perpetrated by a child, but in my opinion, Kevin (Macaulay Culkin) has every right to do whatever he wants.
First of all, while home alone for days on end, two bandits try to rob his house and do who knows what else to him while they’re there. Kevin was basically just defending himself. What we really need to dive into is the fact that he was left home alone at all. How horrible must a family be not to realize their son isn’t with them when traveling? How do you even make it through airport check-in and security without noticing that extra boarding pass in your hand? Remember, back then, they were physical pieces of paper you had to carry around, so there would have been a physical reminder that someone wasn’t there the whole time.
But beyond that, does anyone else remember the opening scene of that movie? Does anyone else remember just how absolutely terrible that family was to Kevin? His brother harasses him, yet Kevin gets blamed? Not to mention the horrible names he’s called at the start of the movie. “You little jerk.” “Kevin, you’re such a disease.” “You’re what the French call les incompetents.”
I think brutally assaulting the wet bandits was probably a cathartic experience for Kevin, who undoubtedly had enough repressed rage he could fill Santa’s sleigh with it. But also, Home Alone is such a fun movie. It’s iconic for a reason. Culkin was a brilliant child actor, and the traps and schemes he cooked up were pure genius. If you love the comedy vibes of Planes, Trains and Automobiles (1987) or home invasion comedies like Remote (1993), you need to watch Home Alone.
A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965)
It’s about time we talk about just how cruel the Peanuts gang are. First off, we have our chronically depressed and joyless Charlie Brown, who is then mocked by all his “friends” for basically everything, from his chronic malaise to his flimsy, half-dead tree, and his inability to grasp the concept of Christmas… which is, admittedly, ridiculous. Eat food and open presents, Charlie, it’s simple!
And yet, somehow, a Christmas special about a young, depressed boy being abused by those around him has become an iconic holiday staple. Maybe that’s because deep down, we all feel like Charlie Brown sometimes. Also, it doesn’t hurt that the soundtrack for A Charlie Brown Christmas is fantastic, and its classic animation style likely brings back tons of nostalgia for older viewers. If you love other Peanuts specials, like It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown (1966), then this should be on your watchlist for the holidays.
Christmas with the Kranks (2004)
Determining who the worst people are in Christmas with the Kranks is pretty hard. First off, we have our joyless couple (Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis during her “bad wigs” era) who decide to completely skip Christmas and take a cruise after learning their daughter joined the Peace Corps and won’t be coming home for the holidays.
Then, we have their psychotic neighbors (led by Dan Aykroyd) who, for some reason, become infuriated that the Kranks won’t decorate for Christmas this year. Yes, that’s seriously the plot of this movie. As their daughter helps starving, impoverished people, her parents and their neighbors squabble over decorations. The neighborhood erupts into the pettiest, shallowest conflict ever because, apparently, these people don’t have any real problems.
But the stupidity of this movie ends up becoming its strength. Its “conflict” is so trifling and trivial that you actually can’t help but laugh. Granted, you won’t laugh with this movie; you’ll laugh at it. But I guarantee you won’t be able to turn it off. Think if The Room (2003) or Troll 2 (1990) were a Christmas movie. Sounds fun? Then it’s time to watch Christmas with the Kranks.
Jingle All the Way (1996)
Nothing says Christmas quite like a deadbeat dad! And that’s exactly what we get in Jingle All the Way, where Arnold Schwarzenegger plays an absent father who has let down his son one too many times. To make it up to him, he decides to get him the year’s hottest toy: the Turbo Man action figure.
And wow, what a father won’t do for his son that he’s abandoned for years. We see Schwarzenegger steal, harass minors, impersonate a police officer, get involved in an illegal smuggling scheme, and commit numerous reckless endangerment felonies, including speeding toward oncoming traffic in the wrong lane. There’s even a scene with a bomb threat! Aren’t the holidays magical?
What makes Jingle All the Way even wilder is that just weeks after its release, the very real Tickle-Me Elmo craze began, and very real people started committing very real crimes to get the toy, just like Schwarzenegger did in the film… coincidence?
National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989)
As one of the various sequels to National Lampoon’s Vacation (1983), Christmas Vacation sees the Griswolds host their extended families for the holidays. But like all Christmas movies, the holidays quickly spiral out of control thanks to the Griswolds’ plethora of horrific relatives.
Let’s see here (checks list), we have the poor, dirty brother and his family who are mooching off Clark because they’re broke; we’ve got the wife’s parents who think everything Clark does is wrong; we have the stuck-up neighbors who put Clark down at every chance they get; and…am I missing anything? Ah, yes, eventually, Clark goes crazy, and his brother kidnaps his boss and takes him hostage. Just another holiday at the Griswold house.
But the madness is super enjoyable, and while your family (probably) isn’t as bad as the Griswolds, something about them and their whole ordeal just feels way too relatable. If you loved the way A Christmas Story (1983) captures the holidays of yesteryear, you’ll enjoy how Christmas Vacation skewers the holiday experience of modern America.
The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special (2022)
In The Guardians of the Galaxy Holiday Special, Mantis (Pom Klementieff) and Drax (Dave Bautista) notice that Peter (Chris Pratt) is depressed during the holidays. To help cheer him up, they decide to give him a gift. That gift is Kevin Bacon. The real, actual Kevin Bacon.
To get Kevin Bacon, they go to Earth, break into his house, chase him down, assault police officers, and then brainwash him into thinking he wants to travel through space to hang with Peter for Christmas.
As we all know from holiday movies, actions like these are only acceptable if committed during the Christmas season. Because with a little holly, jolly spirit, any and all crimes can be overlooked! The holiday special is just a lot of fun, and it’s especially great for newcomers who aren’t super familiar with the MCU because it’s a pretty tight, standalone story that doesn’t require the kind of in-depth franchise knowledge most MCU projects do these days. But if you’re a Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) fan, you’ll especially love the holiday special.
Happiest Season (2020)
Happiest Season is a holiday movie that’s actually all about abuse. In the film, Harper (Mackenzie Davis) invites her girlfriend, Abby (Kristen Stewart), to come stay with her family for the holidays. But she forgets to mention that her family is homophobic and doesn’t know that she’s gay. She also told them that Abby is coming with her for Christmas because her parents are dead (they aren’t).
Wow… that is, just wow. Then, throughout the entire movie, Harper pushes Abby further and further away, even though Abby is stuck there as a guest. Not to mention that the entire ordeal is all Harper’s fault.
Harper is such a horrible person that Happiest Season is actually hard to watch and is less a holiday film and more a story about a toxic, abusive relationship. Seriously, the level of psychological abuse here is on par with movies like Gaslight (1944) or Enough (2002), so it’s perfect for anyone who wants a gripping drama parading around as an innocent Christmas movie.
Deck the Halls (2006)
In Deck the Halls, Matthew Broderick and Danny DeVito star as two fathers who live across the street from each other and engage in an epic battle of who can be better at Christmas. Broderick is the “traditional” Christmas fan, full of standard white lights, caroling, and wreaths; while DeVito is the gaudier, tackier side, filled with obnoxious blow-up decorations and multi-colored lights everywhere. The film was met with very bad reviews, and as someone who has, unfortunately, sat through the whole thing, I can personally attest to just how boring and dull the plot is and how truly awful the characters are.
When combined, we get two of the worst characters in Christmas movie history, and we watch as their petty, pathetic competition completely consumes their lives. They’re so awful that they even push their families away. Literally, halfway through the movie, their families end up leaving them. Then, they both go to a Christmas concert where they start sexually harassing the women performing. At one point, Broderick shouts, “Who’s your daddy?” and the girl turns around and… she’s his daughter. Cringe! It gets worse, though, and the two fathers then run to a nearby church to wash their eyes with holy water.
I dare you to sit through this stinker of a movie. Actually, no, I don’t. That would just be cruel. But if you’re a Christmas completionist like me and feel compelled to watch every holiday movie at least once, you’ve been warned.
